About the book
There is no one ‘right’ way to grieve … but some ways might be better than others
ABOUT THIS AMAZON BEST SELLER
What if grief were not an occasion for increased loneliness, anxiety, and depression, but instead an opportunity for deep communication, a sense of oneness with all of life, and a place of profound love? What if loneliness itself were largely a matter of unattended grief? What if all of your hatred and ambivalence could find a home in contemplation and turn toward compassion?
In Making the World Safe for Sorrow, The Rev. Dr. Margaret (Maggie) Izutsu gently guides you in adapting Japanese memorial customs—both private and social—to ease the pain associated with bereavement, find joy to complement your sadness, and transform living through a spiritual discipline.
Drawing on the experience of a dozen pilot project participants who tried on these resources, Maggie describes their challenges and triumphs. She offers simple suggestions for experimenting with these resources, either privately or in community, and invites you to explore these gems of wisdom and practice to better understand how they might affect both our grieving and our culture in general.
Amazon Best Seller in Death, Grieving and Spirituality; Sociology of Death; Zen Philosophy; Zen Spirituality; and Buddhist Rituals & Practice
Book reviews
See what book reviewers are saying
“Making the World Safe for Sorrow is a courageous personal and relational account of the experience of sorrow and the process of grieving. Dr. Izutsu’s thesis is that in many Western countries, hyperindividualism prevents people from having a creative, spiritual healing experience of grieving. In effect, without the relational framework that traditional cultural practice—such as Japanese rites for grieving involving public grieving rituals with specified anniversary dates and private meditational ceremonies—an individual cannot fully experience sorrow, mourning, and grief in a constructive, spiritually meaningful way. Dr. Izutsu reviews several psychological, developmental, spiritual, and anthropological sources for her remarkable book. Perusing this book will expand the reader’s mind and openness to experiencing a wider range of feelings, including sorrow, and provide a way for sharing these feelings with others—thus grieving in a good way.”
Ray Hawkins, PhD, ABPP (Clinical Psychology); associate faculty, clinical psychology, Fielding Graduate University; clinical assistant professor, psychology, The University of Texas at Austin
“Making The World Safe For Sorrow is written for all of us who have experienced or are experiencing loss and grief and are questing for wisdom to revitalize our lives. The Reverend Doctor Margaret Izutsu draws upon her lived experience of Japanese cultural practices to make understandable and available for our use a Japanese version of Confucian-tradition rituals that carry the potential to reshape our religious, moral, and aesthetic experiences. Her quest, and the book’s achievement, is the result of deep reading into relevant psychological, anthropological, and philosophical literature as well as extensive experience in Japanese culture. Dr. Izutsu provides practical wisdom for the art of living; she illustrates that wisdom with vivid examples from her own experiences and those of parishioners participating in an experimental group. I finished the book and immediately wanted to try the rituals. An appealing and useful way to learn how to transform loss and mourning into cultivation of the self and relationships!”
Arthur Kleinman, author of The Soul of Care; professor of anthropology, global health, and psychiatry, Harvard University
“An astounding read with loads of resources and suggestions. Sharing her insights from Japanese tradition and inviting the reader to explore learnings from sorrow as well as grieving effectively amidst deepening complexities of relationships, this book takes us to depths that bear much fruit. Maggie takes us on her personal journey in ways that invite us to take our own and to assist others.”
The Rev. Dr. Bud Holland, retired from The Presiding Bishop’s staff
A very close friend of mine tragically lost her son, quite literally as I was reading Making the World Safe for Sorrow. It’s remarkable to me how grief seems to be missing from our collective vocabulary. So many of us simply don’t know what to do when something so tragic happens so suddenly. Dr. Izutsu gives us the language we need not only to survive, but to thrive and love in the face of tremendous sorrow.
After reading this book, I decided to use its techniques and sit with my friend every day, giving her a safe space to grieve. We communicated over text, and every morning I texted her as soon as I awoke. Each day was different, but every day was also understood and acknowledged: it was certainly okay not to be okay. This book gave me the foundation to be with my friend, understanding and empathizing rather than fearing her or feeling compelled to solve her problems. I sat with my friend every morning and resolved to do so until it felt natural to stop. Some days were simple, three or four-word texts. Some days were novels typed as fast as possible.
What I learned from this experience was how much those we cherish have to teach us about love from beyond the grave. My friend celebrated her son and taught me why he was lovable and who he was. His death opened a new depth and a new chapter in our friendship, raising the stakes of a longtime, trusted relationship to its proper, elevated status. Her son’s death created a new level of love and understanding in the living universe, and that is a beautiful thing we all need more of.
Brian McRae
Margaret W. (“Maggie”) Izutsu’s landmark work, Making the World Safe for Sorrow, focuses on healthy, culturally rich ways to deal with a difficult topic with which many people must deal at some point in their lives: grief and grieving. The world has been exposed to countless tomes and talks over decades that, generally, minimize the grief process. The typical models of five to seven stages of grieving with which most of us are familiar—from “denial” to “acceptance”—are the best-known examples of addressing this complex subject. But this book presents a new and extremely valuable paradigm for addressing grief that is both practicable and powerful.
Maggie’s insightful and impeccably researched work here is bolstered by exhaustive research, her professional and personal background, and her facilitation of group activity in which participants share their own life experiences and achieve healing results. It dispels countless myths associated with handling grief–whatever its cause–that so many have heard or been counseled to believe, like “just move on” or “it will get better, just wait.”
Ms. Izutsu’s book isn’t pablum or platitudes. It is carefully crafted, successfully bridging a challenging chasm of academic work and heart-touching readability. Particularly with her skills at story-telling, I’ve found her explanations of ways to understand, embrace, and navigate grief, significantly informed by Buddhist and Confucian teachings and practices, to be very accessible, revealing and helpful.
Whether you are dealing with personal grief and loss or wish to understand and provide help for someone for whom you care who may be struggling, I highly recommend this book as a “must read!”
William Colosimo
I am a clinical psychologist and ordained Zen Buddhist monk and have worked in pediatric and adult end-of-life care (end-stage oncology, palliative care, hospice) and grief and loss for almost 30 years. I share my own background because Rev. Dr. Margaret (“Maggie”) Izutsu’s new work, Making the World Safe for Sorrow, is one of the most profound works I have read in these fields. I have had the pleasure of knowing Rev. Dr. Margaret Izutsu both personally and professionally for many years as we both attended Harvard Divinity School and work in interfaith dialogue. Her rich background as an Episcopal priest holding a doctorate in comparative religion from Harvard and psychotherapist in Japan provides the skillful context to write such an insightful and important work.
In Making the World Safe for Sorrow, Rev. Dr. Izutsu draws on sacred Buddhist and Confucian practices to transform grief in our modern world. She begins her work with the salient observations that in our contemporary culture we are increasingly isolated and consequently we are often forced to grieve alone. Isolation can amplify grief and thankfully Rev. Dr. Izutsu provides practical ways to heal grief, including specific suggestions for those who are recently bereaved, those facing ongoing mourning, and individual, family, and community forms of healing and growth through loss.
My own parents both recently died within six months of each other, and I have found Rev. Dr. Izutsu’s book, Making the World Safe for Sorrow, helpful in my own grief journey and am grateful to have this in my clinical toolkit to recommend to my own patients, friends, and family.
David M. Zuniga
Making the World Safe for Sorrow sows a needed, perceptive, and deeply intriguing pathway for readers. Margaret W. Izutsu’s soulful commentary provides skillful practices for resolving our grief in the loss of loved ones, friends and others that can generate authentic and lasting healing. The tools she offers are honed by her own experiences as an American and her work in psychotherapy and several other fields. They’re also enriched by time Izutsu spent in Japan, during which she probed how grief is addressed in Japanese culture. She takes us inside the Japanese tradition as an aid in grasping what truly effective mourning can involve, a process she finds often not understood in American society.
She also goes vastly further. Besides practices that can create effective wellness from grief-based pain, she maps a starting roadway for what grieving can birth at a truly life-transforming level: our becoming a living Buddha. Her Buddha prescription is discerning, practical and real. She offers something else as well: authentic grieving as a meaningful deepening not only of American culture, but of society globally. Her insights pave a pathway to make the world itself safe for sorrow. And in healing that sorrow authentically, a place for joy.
Dr. Stephen Oyer-Owens
In Making the World Safe For Sorrow Maggie has given us a gift on learning to handle emotions that our world often shies away from and we are paying a dear price for that. This is a book that combines good theology, world religion and psychology along with a moving narrative and applications for practitioners of many fields (although I think this book can also be a book one could read to do healing and work on their own soul too). This is not work that our world runs too but often we are saved and found in the darkness and we need more guides into the dark. Although this book certainly goes to darker places, it is a joy to read and provides light and freedom in those spaces. This book reminds me a great deal of Miriam Greenspan’s work on dark emotions and Paul Knitter’s incredible world religion work. This book is freedom for many who want to move further into themselves and the world.
Griff Martin
Rev. Dr. Izutsu life’s study and work in comparative religion and psychotherapy comes alive in Making the World Safe for Sorrow as she draws on many spiritual practices from Buddhism and Confucianism. A deeply contemplative Episcopal priest, she brings Christianity into the conversation as well.
This is not only a treasure trove of rituals helpful in transforming grief, but an insightful invitation to change the increasingly isolated, haphazard way of grieving we have in “the West.”
Her premise is that isolation can exacerbate grief and that the Japanese tradition of both individual and communal grief ceremonies can help the bereaved carry their grief by expressing ongoing honor for the deceased.
As a hospital chaplain (retired) schooled in bereavement counseling, I commend to you this warmly written book as a great help in mending broken, grieving hearts.
VJM, retired hospital chaplain schooled in bereavement counseling